Initial calibration results from LMC prove inconclusive.
Sunday, 20 May 2007
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Thursday, 17 May 2007
The Truth is Out There
Look not to science to solve the meaning of existence, but to scripture. Does it not say in the Book of Moron, "it is a truth universally acknowledged that the Great Moron did create the whole wide world and all the universe and everything". And does it also not say, "no man is an island; nor doth he be a bollard". Scientists have recently discovered that the missing mass of the universe is actually composed of Dumb Matter. Thus is the Truth of the Great Moron demonstrated. We, however, do not need scumbag science, for we have Faith!
Wednesday, 16 May 2007
Press Release: LMC
The Church of Moronology (COM) today announced work has commenced on the construction of the Large Moron Collider (LMC).
The LMC Project aims to smash morons moving at 99.999999% of the speed of light into one another and so recreate conditions a fraction of a second after the big bang.
Speaking from an undisclosed secure underground facility deep beneath the Himalayas, Dr. J. Edgar Burns, principal scientist for the LMC was quoted as saying...
"The LMC represents the pinnacle of Moronic scientific endeavor. Through accelerating two morons at incredible speeds towards a cataclysmic collision we hope to unpick the very fabric of the universe and in so doing bring humanity closer to the Great Moron".
The search for collideonauts has already begun and is open to any member of the church. To participate in this once in a lifetime experiment TEXT "I'M READY FOR THE RAPTURE" to 0800-100-LMC-MORON or email: lmc@churchofmoronology.org.church.
Tuesday, 15 May 2007
The Parable of the Three Morons
And lo it did come to pass, according to K4 Taskforce, great prophet of the Great Moron, that three young men did set out to make their fortunes in the world. The first of these young men enjoyed the fine things in life - cheap supermarket lager and cheaper women. He wore only the best Burberry, the brightest bling from Argos, and drove a top of the range Renault Clio in need of two new wings and a new door. Having blown his wad down the dogs one night, he did return home to his girlfriend Kylie's council house, where he proceeded to shag her until she screamed out the names of all her past boyfriends in delight. The neighbours complained at this long litany of Darrens and Kevins, and some berk from the council came banging on the door, saying, "I'll Asbo and I'll Asbo, until you go down." And he did Asbo, and the first young man went down for 6 months.
The second young man was a more discerning sort. He eschewed the Burberry, much preferring the classy accoutrements that was the latest away strip of his chosen football team. He decorated his flesh with tats and badges of honour, such as the words "come on you reds" and a naked woman that was supposed to be Pamela Anderson Lee but looked more like Su Pollard. Especially when he bent over. He would meet up before kick-off with his mates, and they'd get well tanked up on wife-beater, and sing and shout and make merry. If their team won, they sang loud. If their team lost, they sang louder. And the second young man was the loudest of all. They called him a public nuisance, and he took pride in it. But pride cometh before a fall. So there he was, pissing out in some bloke's yard the 12 cans of lager he'd knocked back, when a window went up and the garden's owner leaned out and cried, "I'll Asbo and I'll Asbo, until you go down." And he did Asbo, and the second young man went down for 5 months.
The third young man lacked both wit and taste. Not for him the jocular chants of the terraces, or the sensuous caress of Burberry on the skin. He travelled to the big city, and sought for himself a respectable B&B in which to dwell. But while he looked, his money did dwindle. Until all too soon, it was gone - in the big city, money does not take you far because of congestion. The third young man had but little choice but to inhabit a cardboard box in a subway. It was a fine attractive cardbox, black and white like a cow and emblazoned with the corporate logo of forgotten computer manufacturer Gateway. And it was close to the pub, and there was a newsagent across the road where he could buy rolling tobacco and Rizlas with his dole money. He was happy. But it was a good neighbourhood, and his neighbours were not happy. A well-dressed interfering old bat from the Neighbourhood Watch came to his cardboard box and told him, "I'll Asbo and I'll Asbo, until you go down." And she did Asbo, and the third young man went down for 3 months.
And K4 Taskforce did finish his parable and there was silence from his disciples. Tell us, oh great void of perspicacity, said one: what is the meaning of this tale?
And K4 Taskforce did reply: there is no moral and if you think there is you're as daft as the three young morons.
The second young man was a more discerning sort. He eschewed the Burberry, much preferring the classy accoutrements that was the latest away strip of his chosen football team. He decorated his flesh with tats and badges of honour, such as the words "come on you reds" and a naked woman that was supposed to be Pamela Anderson Lee but looked more like Su Pollard. Especially when he bent over. He would meet up before kick-off with his mates, and they'd get well tanked up on wife-beater, and sing and shout and make merry. If their team won, they sang loud. If their team lost, they sang louder. And the second young man was the loudest of all. They called him a public nuisance, and he took pride in it. But pride cometh before a fall. So there he was, pissing out in some bloke's yard the 12 cans of lager he'd knocked back, when a window went up and the garden's owner leaned out and cried, "I'll Asbo and I'll Asbo, until you go down." And he did Asbo, and the second young man went down for 5 months.
The third young man lacked both wit and taste. Not for him the jocular chants of the terraces, or the sensuous caress of Burberry on the skin. He travelled to the big city, and sought for himself a respectable B&B in which to dwell. But while he looked, his money did dwindle. Until all too soon, it was gone - in the big city, money does not take you far because of congestion. The third young man had but little choice but to inhabit a cardboard box in a subway. It was a fine attractive cardbox, black and white like a cow and emblazoned with the corporate logo of forgotten computer manufacturer Gateway. And it was close to the pub, and there was a newsagent across the road where he could buy rolling tobacco and Rizlas with his dole money. He was happy. But it was a good neighbourhood, and his neighbours were not happy. A well-dressed interfering old bat from the Neighbourhood Watch came to his cardboard box and told him, "I'll Asbo and I'll Asbo, until you go down." And she did Asbo, and the third young man went down for 3 months.
And K4 Taskforce did finish his parable and there was silence from his disciples. Tell us, oh great void of perspicacity, said one: what is the meaning of this tale?
And K4 Taskforce did reply: there is no moral and if you think there is you're as daft as the three young morons.
The Prodigal Moron
There is much to be learnt from the parable of the Prodigal Moron, as told by that prophet of the Great Moron we know by the name of B6 Pyroxidal. As the story goes, a man had two sons. Well, his wife had the sons - it would have been biologically impossible for him to have "had" them. But I digress. The younger son demanded his share of the inheritance while his father still lived, and went off Interrrailing about Europe. Where he spent every Euro on drugs and booze and items of no literary merit - in the hashish cafes of Amsterdam, on the raddled whores of Ten-Mark Street in Hamburg, on first editions of Dan Brown's novels... After his tenth arrest for vagrancy, and his sudden realisation that he had no idea how or why he was in Bratislava, or to whom the goat belonged, he came to his meagre senses. Whereupon, he emailed his father asking for money to fund his journey back to the bosom of his family.
When he returned home, his father was over-joyed to see him. He ordered the son's favourite take-away curry and a six-pack of wife-beater, and allowed him use of the comfy chair to watch that night's episode of Katie & Peter. The older brother became angry, jealous at the favoured treatment of his faithless brother and upset at the lack of reward for his own faithfulness. But the father responded:
Son, thou left school at 16 and became a plumber. Thou will earn much spondulicks throughout your life. It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was on his gap year, and is soon to go to university where he will earn himself a useless degree. Let him make merry now, for he will pay for it to the end of his days.
When he returned home, his father was over-joyed to see him. He ordered the son's favourite take-away curry and a six-pack of wife-beater, and allowed him use of the comfy chair to watch that night's episode of Katie & Peter. The older brother became angry, jealous at the favoured treatment of his faithless brother and upset at the lack of reward for his own faithfulness. But the father responded:
Son, thou left school at 16 and became a plumber. Thou will earn much spondulicks throughout your life. It was meet that we should make merry, and be glad: for this thy brother was on his gap year, and is soon to go to university where he will earn himself a useless degree. Let him make merry now, for he will pay for it to the end of his days.
The Moron's Prayer
Our father who art somewhere
Fallow by thy name
Thy church wil overcome
Thy dogma is always right
Here as it is somewhere over there.
Give us this day a nice croissant
And look theother way when we screw up
As we conveniently forget our screw-ups ourselves
And lead us away from thoughtfulness;
But remember that thinking is evil.
For thine is the dogma, the creed, and the mighteousness,
For ever such a long time
Amen.
Fallow by thy name
Thy church wil overcome
Thy dogma is always right
Here as it is somewhere over there.
Give us this day a nice croissant
And look theother way when we screw up
As we conveniently forget our screw-ups ourselves
And lead us away from thoughtfulness;
But remember that thinking is evil.
For thine is the dogma, the creed, and the mighteousness,
For ever such a long time
Amen.
Litany of Forgetfulness
I must not think.
Thought is the mind-killer.
Thinking is the little-death that brings total, er, total... something.
I will embrace forgetfulness.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will-- ooh, look: is that a parrot?
When thought has gone there will be nothing.
Not even me.
Thought is the mind-killer.
Thinking is the little-death that brings total, er, total... something.
I will embrace forgetfulness.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will-- ooh, look: is that a parrot?
When thought has gone there will be nothing.
Not even me.
Monday, 14 May 2007
Basic detachment
It is important too always seek perfect moronic detachment in your daily life. This simple mantra can be used to attain a basic form of moronic detachment..
10 PRINT "I AM A MORON"
20 GOTO 11
10 PRINT "I AM A MORON"
20 GOTO 11
Moronic Commandments
1. Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's asp (as in the thing that killed Cleopatra, not the stupid server pages).
2. The all seeing moron will not tolerate the worship of craven scientific explanations of the universe or Tom Cruse/John Travolta.
3. The land of milk and vodka will not be open to the lactose intolerant. The lesser land of gluten free pasta will be open to you on weekends.
4. Cheese eating flat earthers see 3.
5. Thou shalt not testify against your mother church in any recognized international court of law. Furthermore you will not participate in any form of communication pertaining to the collection of prosecution evidence against "dangerous religious cults" .
6. Thou shalt not rock the inter-galactic sea turtle upon which our faith flounders.
7. All animals are created equal, some animals are more equal than others. Four legs good... eight legs better.
8. You will surrender to your spider overlords and do their bidding.
9. Thou shalt not go to the beach with Albert Camus.
10. Do not hesitate to attempt to use financial incentives to accelerate your moronic ascension to grand wizard.
11. Thou shalt not point out that there are typically only 10 commandments.
2. The all seeing moron will not tolerate the worship of craven scientific explanations of the universe or Tom Cruse/John Travolta.
3. The land of milk and vodka will not be open to the lactose intolerant. The lesser land of gluten free pasta will be open to you on weekends.
4. Cheese eating flat earthers see 3.
5. Thou shalt not testify against your mother church in any recognized international court of law. Furthermore you will not participate in any form of communication pertaining to the collection of prosecution evidence against "dangerous religious cults" .
6. Thou shalt not rock the inter-galactic sea turtle upon which our faith flounders.
7. All animals are created equal, some animals are more equal than others. Four legs good... eight legs better.
8. You will surrender to your spider overlords and do their bidding.
9. Thou shalt not go to the beach with Albert Camus.
10. Do not hesitate to attempt to use financial incentives to accelerate your moronic ascension to grand wizard.
11. Thou shalt not point out that there are typically only 10 commandments.
Is moronology for me?
As founder of this radical new Internet faith I am often faced with the mournful desperation of the unsaved... questioning wheather mornonology is right for them? The short answer? Of course it is you Moron.
Don't get me wrong, the path to moronic enlightenment will be hard. To transcend the debilitating shackles of rationalism you will often be required to relinquish your most cherished notions of how the universe functions. However, if you have the inner strength to make this leap of faith the rewards will be far beyond your feeble capacity to comprehend...
Don't get me wrong, the path to moronic enlightenment will be hard. To transcend the debilitating shackles of rationalism you will often be required to relinquish your most cherished notions of how the universe functions. However, if you have the inner strength to make this leap of faith the rewards will be far beyond your feeble capacity to comprehend...
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